One of the first persons I spoke to when Matt and I first received Alec's diagnosis was another mother of an autistic child. I have never met her personally. In the early days, I was devouring over any book I could find on autism disorders, ABA and biomedical treatments for mercury poisioning. Somehow, I got the phone number of this mother and called to talk. One thing I have to say about this journey is that I have found that there are so many parents who want to share and encourage each other, drawing from their own personal experiences.
This mother, whom honestly I cannot even remember her name, did tell me something that I have not forgotten: She said that I need to expect my marriage to suffer tremendously. I recall thinking,
"How can she say that?"It wasn't long until I learned of a statistic to back up her comment. I'm told that 80% of marriages of parents of ASD kids end up in divorce. What a horrible statistic. In the several years of walking this road with Alec, I've seen that happen to others in support groups I have been in. It saddens me.
Why does it have to be this way? Is there some element of blame that one or both parents put on the other? Is it the stress?
It is true that it takes more time to care for a child with an ASD than it may for a child who is, and I hate terming it like this, "neurotypical". Is that time taken from caring and maintaining the marital bond? How much is too much?
I don't have answers to these questions. I think often of all of the single parents doing this on their own. My heart and hat goes out to them, because it is a lot to carry.
Is communication is the key? When I have been tired and frustrated, I admit there are times I lash out at Matt. But then, I usually end up admitting to him that I am simply tired and that I don't mean to take it out on him...and apologizing. Identifying what is REALLY setting me off is important to me. He's good at communicating his frustrations to me, too. We don't hide things in this house. All of our dirty laundry is usually out on the table in plain view of all.
I'm no marriage counselor. I wish that, in the face of a challenge such as autism, couples would pull together rather than apart. No one could deny that doing so with be better for all, especially for the child. Unfortunately, this is easier said than done, of course.
In my past, I did not have a good relationship with my father. My parents divorced when I was eight, and it was a struggle finding a place with him after that. He married my stepmother, who was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in later years. He cared for her in extraordinary ways. He never left her side. I admired that in him, but it meant that he had very little time for me. Still, he was happy, and in time, I came to accept that and it was enough to see him happy.
That said, I so incredibly respect fathers who show unconditional love to their kids! I know in my heart that there is no medicine, no treatment, nothing that compares to the love of a father. I am so thankful that Alec and Elise have a father who is there for them.
Matt and I are celebrating our 10 years of marriage this Friday, inspiring this post. When I married him, I had no idea what "for better or worse" would mean. I look at him, and what he does for Alec, Elise and me, and I am amazed. I fall in love with him all over again.
And you know, if this is the "worse" of the "for better or worse", it's really not that bad! I'm finding the laughter that I had lost for the first few years after receiving Alec's diagnosis. It's coming back. Each night, we gather around the television and watch "America's Funniest Home Videos". We laugh and laugh. Alec rolls on the floor in hysterics. He's like me in loving slapstick. There is such joy in the simplest things. But I have to look for these things.
Life gets better. The tides come and go, but life is good, each day of it. Every challenge is really an opportunity. I wish I could always see that, but often, I see it in hindsight.
Sometime, I fail miserable. Sometimes God teaches me to fly over the challenges. In the process, I learn to fly, or in other words, I learn how to handle more than I thought I could. It's all about grace.
Thank you, Matt, for loving me unconditionally. For refusing to see the flaws in myself that I dwell on so often. For every day, every prayer, every tear, and every promise. May God continue to hold us together, so that we never fall apart. I can't take credit for it, you know.
There is a song by
Phillips, Craig and Dean that I selected for our first dance together. I think of the lyrics, now, and pray that each married couple reading this will not be another statistic, and be blessed by God's light:
"Shine On Us"
Lord, let Your light, light of Your face
Shine on us
That we may be saved
That we may have life
To shine our way in the darkest night
Let your light shine on us
Lord, let your grace,
Grace from Your hand,
Come over us
That we may be saved
That we may have life
To shine our way in the darkest night
Let Your grace come over us
Lord, let Your love,
Love with no end
Fall on us
That we may be saved,
That we may have life
To shine our way in the darkest night
Let Your love fall on us
Let Your light shine on us
