New Mercies Every Morning....and Love

Okay, I've just read my last post about the Christmas season "Rollin' with the Holidays" stating my desire to minimalize stress by allowing problems to roll off of my back and by being more forgiving, both to myself and in my expectations of holiday events.

I want you to know that the things I write about are often the things I myself struggle with. Often I write and sort things out in my head as I struggle with self-improvement. Blogging puts a light on things that I need to work on in my life.

So, it's no surprise, then, that I must tell you that I royally blew it with regard of letting things roll off of my back this December. In fact, I blew it not once but several times. So, I'm writing about it while I once again try to sort out in my mind where I went wrong.

It's funny how after we make a decision to do something better, that we fall off of the wagon with a big thud. What is God trying to show us? What was He trying to show me?

The day after the post "Rollin' with the Holidays", the family went to a local wing restaurant for my father-in-laws birthday. For starters, I mistakenly received the wrong directions which landed me on the interstate going the wrong way right in rush hour. I was on my own with the two kids trying to find a restaurant across town in an unfamiliar area.

I called "Mattstar", a.k.a. my husband's cellphone, who directed me to the restaurant. I arrived quite a bit late. Once there, I found that the parking was insane. When we finally hiked to the table, our group was smashed into a both at a table needing about 4 more feet to accommodate our group. I could have dealt with this, but Alec was having a lot of difficulty. The noise was irritating him, and the confusion and overcrowding at the table was adding to his distress.

I ended up having to take him outside to calm him down. He looked so miserable inside. We tried it one more time, but he was not doing well so I took the kids home. I wish I could say I let it roll off of my back with a loud "oh well". But it bothered me. One of the things I have difficulty with in dealing with ASD is that the days vary. There are days when that noisy restaurant would not have bothered Alec at all.

Later in December I went to the Christmas program at Alec's school, to find that Alec would not sing or participate. I knew he could do it, but he just didn't want to. An early morning tantrum and the rest of the day goes downhill from there. I had even prayed with Alec's teacher that he would be able to do well and participate. As I watched the other kids with Alec in my lap, I felt a need to surrender.... Surrender to God to just take the expectations, the stress ... away.

I watched another mom cry as she watched her ASD son perform in the pageant. She sat with tears rolling down her eyes as her child made this incredible breakthrough, singing, raising his arms to the music with the others. Later, I allowed myself to find joy in her son's victory. Why not? Aren't we all facing similar battles? In her victory, finally, I found my peace. She doesn't even know it.

Later that afternoon, the kids in our neighborhood gathered at one house to practice for a night of caroling. Alec sat in a living room full of noisy, loud, excited children. He held onto his song sheet, he sang with the others. Every song. He fully participated.

Walking home, I realized that God gives us victories at different times. They don't come at once. What a difficult road it is as we learn patience. It's hard. Our biggest victories come after long, slow battles. Maybe it is the hard the makes them great.

The rest of December included some mall trips, family visits, other nights out, including a wonderful (noisy) Christmas Eve dinner at Outback restaurant...and this time Alec was fine. In fact, both of my kids were great.

So, here is it 2006. I start out the year realized how imperfect I am!

No shock to anyone, but now that I've admitted it to myself, I'm going to move on!